I've covered the Steelers across the globe for two full decades, I've written countless columns on football at all levels, and I'll never have offered one that's more blunt and brutally to the point than this one.
Run the damned ball forward.
There. That's the column.
And if this weren't a subscription site, I'd stop right there, I swear. But hey, before anyone waves a receipt this way, I'll come up with a couple illustrations to elaborate at least a little, but know, please, that it's proceeding under protest.
Hold the nose, and let's get this over with ...
This play call, culled from one of James Conner's 13 carries for 36 whole yards Sunday in the 36-10 beating of the Bengals at Heinz Field, is every bit as pungent as the execution.
To the call: A running back who's spent a lifetime running forward is instructed to run sideways. That's on some combination of Randy Fichtner and/or Matt Canada. It's a stupid play call. The page should be ripped from the playbook, then shredded, then burned. It doesn't work with this running back, it doesn't work with this line, and utilizing it is stupid.
To the execution: Alejandro Villanueva gets blown off the line by Carl Lawson, who gave him fits all afternoon. Ignore all else. Once Villanueva's back, that cuts off Maurkice Pouncey's pull, and everything goes kablooey. Conner not exactly being Barry Sanders to adjust, he's soon swarmed by the entire Cincinnati franchise.
Here's another, and it's even worse ...
To the call: No. Just no.
To the execution: David DeCastro hasn't been himself. He's been banged up since the opening day of training camp, bounced on and off the field. But once the helmet's on, performance is expected. And the Bengals' Khalid Kareem, who's his principal target on the pull, shoves him back so far that, here again, Pouncey's own pull is derailed. And Conner ... wow, looks like he just slides into a tackle as if bailing.
Is this the part where I should point out that Geno Atkins didn't even suit up for Cincinnati?
And that the Bengals are ... the Bengals?
Wait, what?
One more?
All right, but I'm not responsible for any repercussions ...
This one's like when the Zambellis send a ton of fireworks up above the Ohio, you're sure that was the grand finale, then they outdo themselves. It's a circus, a cacophony.
To the call: Gah!
To the execution: I'm torn between Chuks Okorafor literally not making contact with another human as he pulls to his left, and Conner sidestepping a blitzing cornerback.
Read those last five words again.
Blame Conner for that, if one will. I'm comfortable doing that myself. At the same time, when the calls are tasking the running back to run in a way he can't run, as well as tasking the linemen to block in a way they can't block, this is the result. It strips all concerned of the confidence to succeed.
That's it. I'm done.
If this coordinator or Ben Roethlisberger keeps calling these running plays, instruct them to cease and desist. That's very much within the head coach's purview.
If this running back can't remember who he is and can't or won't resume running northward and taking contact, instruct him to cease and desist. Or replace him with Benny Snell and/or Anthony McFarland as soon as Sunday in Jacksonville. That's very much within the head coach's purview.
If this offensive line can't or won't block downhill, if they're too old to pull, too banged-up to stand their ground, let's get Kevin Dotson back in there. The Steelers did their very best running behind a rookie, and maybe that's no coincidence. That, too, is very much within the head coach's purview.
Knock this off. Right now. There's a championship run at stake.