PIRATES

I'll declare in advance these three things:

1. I'm owed a monarch's ransom for swimming through Ben Cherington's press conference today at PNC Park so no one else has to.

2. Yes, everything below that's inside quotation marks was verifiably spoken by a Major League Baseball executive after he claimed to fire his manager, Derek Shelton, amid a 12-26 start in Year 6 of their tenure together.

3. Everything that follows is my translation of how that quote would sound if spoken with even a semblance of authenticity.

• On why the team fired Shelton now: "There's no one thing. We aren't performing the way we need to. We're not performing in a way that our fans deserve. We know we need to be better"

Translation: Wow ... have I taught you people nothing? It isn't the caliber of the players being asked to do the performing. It can't be. Our department's flawless. Our scouting's flawless. Our development's flawless. And that goes double for the analytics that recommended Alexander Canario's booming bat for the No. 5 spot in the batting order the other day in St. Louis. You're all just too dumb to still be using batting average, so you think he's nothing more than a 25-year-old never-was who's batting .122.

• More on why now: "What’s happened now is we’ve now had a little bit more of a month of very difficult performance that adds on top of the difficult ending from 2024. I think it’s the combination of those two things that ultimately brought us to today."

Translation: Very difficult PERFORMANCE. Not very difficult decisions. Those were all easy and excellent because we're exactly that good at that part. Go ask Spencer Horwitz. I think he's in Indy now. Or Altoona, not sure. I do know that he's 4 for 26 on this stint, and I'm sure all you eggheads will make something of that, too.

• On whether Shelton lost the clubhouse: "It just became clear to me that, in order to move forward and get the Pirates back moving in the direction we need to move, a change was necessary to give ourselves the best chance to do that."

Translation: What, you want me to fire myself? Where else do you think Bob Nutting's going to find a GM who's working on his eighth last-place finish in 10 years? You think just anyone could bring Bryan De La Cruz here at the trade deadline to help lead us to playoff glory, only to see him become the DFA king of the National League? You think it's a common skill to trade a functional, fairly young starting pitcher to become part of Cleveland's rotation in exchange for a low-power, platoon-hitting first baseman with a chronic wrist issue?

Everyone hear that in the back of the room? 

CHRONIC! 

WRIST! 

ISSUE! 

Spell it right!

• On why Don Kelly for manager: "He's just an elite human being and teammate. He comes to the ballpark every day focused on only one thing -- how to help this team get better."

Translation: I suppose I could answer this in a straightforward way, because Donnie really is all that. But would it really be so bad if I sneaked in yet another dig about my super-awesome players not PERFORMING well enough? And if anyone interprets that as a kick in the pants to Shelty on the way out, that's all right, too.

• On why Kelly won't have an interim tag: "It's permanent for 2025, and we're focused on 2025 and not getting past 2025. Because it became clear it was permanent for 2025, we chose not to use any other words to describe it. I have a lot of confidence in him doing that job for 2025."

Translation: I am so very interim, you guys.

• On who'll replace Kelly: "So we need to make sure we're reallocating all of the bench coach duties, somehow, in another direction. I expect we'll have more clarity on that in the coming days."

Translation: Oops! Did I just give away that I didn't actually initiate or execute any of this? Because why else would I use 'we' so many times? And really, why else would I show up for work on a Thursday morning without ever having considered this kinda obvious thing? I guess 'we' will get to it soon enough.

• On saying there's 'urgency' to turn things around: "It’s on all of us. It’s on every person in the organization but, certainly from a baseball perspective, it starts with me. Everybody in our clubhouse is responsible. I believe we all need to do our jobs better, can do our jobs better. I believe we will. I don’t think you have to squint too hard to see a stronger team on the field in 2025. I believe we have the players in the organization that will help us do that. I also believe we have players currently on the team who are capable of providing more. Also believe I certainly have to find ways to continue to make the roster better and support the team in different ways. It’s gotta be all in. It’s not on one person. It’s on everybody, but it certainly starts with me."

Translation: Do I stutter? How much help do you need with this? Here's how it works: I offer at both the beginning and the end some hollow platitude about 'it starts with me' or whatever, but everything that's in between -- no, every single syllable -- points to the real perpetrators: The players, the coaches, the instructors ... basically everyone but me. Also, I never blame the analytics, albeit with good cause since our army's perfect. Did you know we stole some super-important analytics guy from the Guardians this winter? Funny how you never report on that. It's all Tommy Pham this, Henry Davis that for you simpletons.

• Picking out one sentence from that quote above: "I don’t think you have to squint too hard to see a stronger team on the field in 2025."

Translation: I need help. Please. Even if I really believe that -- and I don't -- what would compel me to say that out loud in a public setting?

• On whether this was really his decision, since the press release didn't specify: "Ultimately, I made a recommendation to Bob and Travis Williams that we make this change. Bob supported that recommendation. That all happened over the course of the latter part of yesterday. I met with Derek this morning."

Translation: Dude, I didn't even wait for the plane to take off from St. Louis. No sooner did our pathetic underachievers get shut out by the Cardinals than I was down here doing the lobbying. Bob and Travis needed to hear the truth from me about the amazing progress we've made these past three seasons, going from 76 wins to 76 wins -- I KNOW, RIGHT? -- to now being on a pace for 54! Which is EVEN MORE!

If I get to them first and they fall for all this statistical/projection brilliance that I'll shove in their face ... I mean, they've been falling for everything for this long, right?

And I'm still here, aren't I?

• On why he's still the best choice to run this operation: "Yeah. I feel just as much energy and commitment to this job as I have from the day I got it. I do this job only to serve the Pirates, only because I want to be part of delivering a team that our fans are proud of. That’s it. Period. That’s the reason to get up. That’s the reason to come in here, do the work to do that. I believe that’s gonna happen. I know that there’s frustration -- and maybe anger -- that it hasn’t happened yet. I believe it’s gonna happen. I believe, strongly, I’m going to be a part of making it happen. I have a lot of confidence in our baseball operations group. We have to get better. I know that. Period."

Translation: Damn, did I leave 'winning' out again? I hate when that happens. Period.

• On how he could now explain his offseason remark that he and Shelton would be 'accountable together' for the 2025 Pirates: "No, we’re both accountable. I am still accountable right now. We were in this together every minute up until this morning."

Translation: You're acting as if accountability's an actual thing here. If we say it, that's all that counts. He's gone, so he doesn't have to say it. I have to keep saying it.

What'd you think I meant? That I'd be loyal? That we deserved the same fate? That I hadn't been more magnificent than him all along?

• More on accountability: "I certainly feel accountable going forward."

Translation: I hadn't previously. But man, that whole 'no-interim' thing for Donnie ... shook my soul. It's like I'm supposed to believe now that I've got only 2025 to truly see this task through to its glorious conclusion. As if.

• On all the talk about 'winning on the margins' through spring training' that was followed by two months of terrible fundamentals: “It’s an interesting question because I do believe that certainly is part of what has to happen in Pittsburgh. When I think about that statement, where I first go is, ‘OK, are we playing defense? Are we running the bases?’ By and large, we have done those things. Our team defense has been good, at least as far as our measurements are concerned. Our baserunning largely has been good. We haven’t executed perfectly in every situation. We’ve had some combination of some difficult bullpen moments or bad-luck bullpen moments or maybe occasions when we didn't have our best guys, or our best guys were unavailable for whatever reason and it cost us. So that could be winning on the margins, I suppose."

Translation: That's it. I quit.

No, for real, I'm resigning right here on the spot.

All I do is damage this franchise top to bottom, embarrass everyone who's weird enough to follow it, spend $96 million of Bob's money on draft picks and international prospects only to have almost none of them pan out, admit on a recent New York Times podcast that my analytics people had to sell me on drafting Paul Skenes because he wasn't a position player, seize upon being blessed by Skenes by arranging an outfield competition this spring between Jack Suwinski and Ji Hwan Bae, tell Carlos Santana to go pound salt every time he publicly pleads to come back while wearing another team's uniform, never find another first baseman again, corner the market on light-hitting middle infielders to bring us more of that versatility that any team with three legit everyday players would naturally covet ... and these people don't have the common sense to just fire me?

No, like, what's up with that?

What am I supposed to do, keep coming out here and taking leaks on everyone's backs and tell them it's still raining?

I just told this entire room that our team defense was "good." And that our baserunning has been "by and large" the same. And I said it knowing that the bosses would hear me.

And I'm still here. I'm still bleeping here.

Help a brother out: What more do I need to do?